Madness

This picture doesn't even really do it justice, but today was a meal prep day, and for a while there it was just absolute madness. The kitchen was a disaster, but based on what I ended up with, it was so worth it. After my last post, I have still been struggling to find the motivation to ditch the sugary, processed carbage. Like garbage, but with carbs ... see what I did there? Ha, aannnnyway. A lot of that had to do with being unprepared and just buying the wrong crap. For example, the past two times I've been to Trader Joe's, I've caved and bought this really tasty loaf of crusty sourdough bread. And nutella. And because they were there in my house, staring me in the face, that's exactly what I had for breakfast for about 3 weeks straight. The only reason I didn't have that today is because, well, we were out. So I had a simple, savory breakfast of sauteed kale and chicken breast. And it was satisfying and delicious! I realized if I just had the right stuff on hand, and didn't have the wrong stuff, that it would be easier to make better choices ... duh.

So I decided to make a list and head to Costco. I didn't exactly just make a list of things or ingredients, though. Normally I think in terms of ingredients and kind of throw things together from there. Ridiculous, I know. But today, I started by looking at the bigger picture. Starting with breakfast, I thought about what would make for an easy, grab-and-go meal. (I usually wake up hungry and read to eat, so this is more for the quick factor than because I actually have somewhere to be right away.) Ok, well what about snacks? Or treats? Lunches and Dinners? I thought about quick, easy, healthy meals and snacks. And I figured if I had healthier treats on hand, it might help curb my cravings for ice cream or peanut M&Ms or cookies or ... you get the idea.  Here's what I've got going:

Breakfasts:
Egg, zucchini and carrot casserole from Practical Paleo (I usually like to have this with some sauteed kale and avocado for some healthy fats). I also got smoked salmon, because yum.

Lunches:
I found two different premade bean/veggie mixtures (Yes, I know beans aren't Paleo, and I. don't. care.) to go along with some baked chicken breasts and a chopped salad mixture as the base.

Snacks/Treats/Misc:
I put portions of baby carrots into baggies and put them in the door of the fridge so that they were right up front/more visible. For some reason, we never seem to go through our carrots. I tend to completely forget we have them, only to find them at the bottom of the crisper drawer turned all white and gross. We already had hummus, but I also got some peanut butter for dipping. I also picked up some lunchmeat as a quick grab-and-go protein/snack for me or for my husband to put on sandwiches. I also roasted some broccoli in olive oil and a little bit of garlic salt. Soooooo good! Finally, I plan on making some homemade energy bars and these: http://www.ourpaleolife.com/2013/03/chocolate-brownie-bites/ for a good, chocolately treat.

Dinners:
I roasted some sweet potato bites in cinnamon and added that to some ground turkey and steamed kale.
I also made a curried sweet potato and red lentil stew I saw in an issue of Whole Living magazine.

So now I basically have a refrigerator full of delicious, healthy options! I recently read that failure to plan is like planning to fail. And now I can really see how true that is. Here's to hoping I can keep this up! I'm shooting for one meal prep day a week. We shall see!

Oh, hey there

Yeah, it's been a while since I've posted, huh? Not that it really matters at the moment because I'm basically my only reader! ha! But really, it does matter. See, I've kind of fallen off the healthy eating train. Not completely, but things have definitely gone south since the completion of the paleo challenge at my gym. I don't know what happened, but almost immediately after the challenge was "over," I started letting old/bad habits return. *ahem: idrinktwotothreedietmountaindewsaday* It was as if couldn't wait to revert back to my old ways! (ALL THE SUGAR!) And the really ridiculous part is that challenge was three months long with the intention of helping those doing it to create a real (read: lasting) lifestyle change.

It's funny because I've been so frustrated with myself over the way I've been eating lately, and yet that is something I have complete control over! Nobody is forcing me to stuff my face with nutella and peanut M&Ms. It's not like the water supply is contaminated and "oh, gee, I guess I HAVE to drink this delicious diet mountain dew!" And the worst part is, that I was starting to see real change in my body, in my complexion, and in my confidence while doing the challenge.

I want to get back to that feeling of change taking place, but I also want to try to figure out why I just stopped the progress and went right back to old habits. Where did I go wrong?

One question I've sort of turned over and over in my mind is whether or not the challenge was too strict.
Now that I've been back to my old habits for a while, drinking the dew and eating the sugar, it's hard to imagine that I was ever able to avoid it. Three months? Now I'm not so sure I could get through one day! But when I really think about how I ate while doing the challenge, I know I still allowed myself my red wine and dark chocolate, and yeah the occasional treat! I focused on veggies and protein and I was able to consume sugar in moderation and still felt satisfied. So really, I think that answers my question. Yeah, it was hard at times, but too strict? I doubt it. I think I'm just using that as a way to justify NOT getting back to it. I think I'd like to believe that I can handle everything in moderation, so I don't need the rules and the goals that the challenge provided me. But really, the time I was on the challenge WAS moderation! Where I'm at now is just a god damn  free-for-all.

Why would I NOT eat in a way that makes me feel good about myself? In a phrase: instant gratification. It is so hard to forgo that diet mountain dew or those peanut M&Ms (you can see I have my favorites, no?) in the moment when, dammit, they taste so.freaking.good. And in that moment I somehow forget that at the end of the day, when I look back on my choices I'm just going to feel mad at myself for not trying harder. And then I play this game of back and forth between beating myself up for caving in (or really just not even trying to avoid the sugar) followed by trying to forgive myself, be kind to myself, and move on. Tomorrow is another day. Except that tomorrow the whole thing starts over again.

I realize that this may seem like all I ever think about is food, and man, does this girl have an unhealthy relationship with food, or whoa, eating disorder waiting to happen! But I don't think that's the case. I really like food! I'm interested in eating well to nourish my body. It's just that my choices don't always reflect this. And I think that is a very common struggle (duh ... I realize this isn't an earth-shattering realization!). But who wouldn't like to  have super hero will power? And who doesn't struggle with some sort of negative body image from time to time? (Sad, but true.) So then why the heck do I routinely and consistently choose foods that are in exact opposition to my nutrition goals?! It's not like I don't like the taste of veggies ... I actually LOVE kale!

I guess for me, what the challenge provided was a sense of accountability. When I knew someone else was watching, I was thoughtful about what I stuffed in my face. But that ended, and all of a sudden, I was the only one watching, and because of that, I felt like I could start sneaking the sugar back in (and lets be real, a little bit here and there has brought me right back to how I ate before the challenge started). Which is so stupid! I was "sneaking" it by my own self, against my own best intentions! (also, how weird is the word sneaking?) It's almost like in the moment of a poor choice, my true self, the one who has these nutrition goals, is the one who turns the other way and pretends not to "see." The self with the goals, the one to which I am accountable to later, stops "watching," and in that moment, I no longer hold myself accountable. It's like I don't even stop to think about how I might feel about this choice later. That needs to change. I need to become my own source of accountability and stop looking for an external accountability. Because that's the only way true change will take place. Nobody is going to do this for me. Easier said than done, though. Obviously.

I don't know that I really even have a plan right now as far as how to change, but I needed to put this out there. I needed to get back to blogging. As my own only reader, I think blogging will be a way for me to become my own source of external accountability. Yes, it is possible that somebody else will see this, and hopefully they might even relate. But for now, it will force me to be accountable for and to myself. Now, I am the one watching.