Oh, hey there

Yeah, it's been a while since I've posted, huh? Not that it really matters at the moment because I'm basically my only reader! ha! But really, it does matter. See, I've kind of fallen off the healthy eating train. Not completely, but things have definitely gone south since the completion of the paleo challenge at my gym. I don't know what happened, but almost immediately after the challenge was "over," I started letting old/bad habits return. *ahem: idrinktwotothreedietmountaindewsaday* It was as if couldn't wait to revert back to my old ways! (ALL THE SUGAR!) And the really ridiculous part is that challenge was three months long with the intention of helping those doing it to create a real (read: lasting) lifestyle change.

It's funny because I've been so frustrated with myself over the way I've been eating lately, and yet that is something I have complete control over! Nobody is forcing me to stuff my face with nutella and peanut M&Ms. It's not like the water supply is contaminated and "oh, gee, I guess I HAVE to drink this delicious diet mountain dew!" And the worst part is, that I was starting to see real change in my body, in my complexion, and in my confidence while doing the challenge.

I want to get back to that feeling of change taking place, but I also want to try to figure out why I just stopped the progress and went right back to old habits. Where did I go wrong?

One question I've sort of turned over and over in my mind is whether or not the challenge was too strict.
Now that I've been back to my old habits for a while, drinking the dew and eating the sugar, it's hard to imagine that I was ever able to avoid it. Three months? Now I'm not so sure I could get through one day! But when I really think about how I ate while doing the challenge, I know I still allowed myself my red wine and dark chocolate, and yeah the occasional treat! I focused on veggies and protein and I was able to consume sugar in moderation and still felt satisfied. So really, I think that answers my question. Yeah, it was hard at times, but too strict? I doubt it. I think I'm just using that as a way to justify NOT getting back to it. I think I'd like to believe that I can handle everything in moderation, so I don't need the rules and the goals that the challenge provided me. But really, the time I was on the challenge WAS moderation! Where I'm at now is just a god damn  free-for-all.

Why would I NOT eat in a way that makes me feel good about myself? In a phrase: instant gratification. It is so hard to forgo that diet mountain dew or those peanut M&Ms (you can see I have my favorites, no?) in the moment when, dammit, they taste so.freaking.good. And in that moment I somehow forget that at the end of the day, when I look back on my choices I'm just going to feel mad at myself for not trying harder. And then I play this game of back and forth between beating myself up for caving in (or really just not even trying to avoid the sugar) followed by trying to forgive myself, be kind to myself, and move on. Tomorrow is another day. Except that tomorrow the whole thing starts over again.

I realize that this may seem like all I ever think about is food, and man, does this girl have an unhealthy relationship with food, or whoa, eating disorder waiting to happen! But I don't think that's the case. I really like food! I'm interested in eating well to nourish my body. It's just that my choices don't always reflect this. And I think that is a very common struggle (duh ... I realize this isn't an earth-shattering realization!). But who wouldn't like to  have super hero will power? And who doesn't struggle with some sort of negative body image from time to time? (Sad, but true.) So then why the heck do I routinely and consistently choose foods that are in exact opposition to my nutrition goals?! It's not like I don't like the taste of veggies ... I actually LOVE kale!

I guess for me, what the challenge provided was a sense of accountability. When I knew someone else was watching, I was thoughtful about what I stuffed in my face. But that ended, and all of a sudden, I was the only one watching, and because of that, I felt like I could start sneaking the sugar back in (and lets be real, a little bit here and there has brought me right back to how I ate before the challenge started). Which is so stupid! I was "sneaking" it by my own self, against my own best intentions! (also, how weird is the word sneaking?) It's almost like in the moment of a poor choice, my true self, the one who has these nutrition goals, is the one who turns the other way and pretends not to "see." The self with the goals, the one to which I am accountable to later, stops "watching," and in that moment, I no longer hold myself accountable. It's like I don't even stop to think about how I might feel about this choice later. That needs to change. I need to become my own source of accountability and stop looking for an external accountability. Because that's the only way true change will take place. Nobody is going to do this for me. Easier said than done, though. Obviously.

I don't know that I really even have a plan right now as far as how to change, but I needed to put this out there. I needed to get back to blogging. As my own only reader, I think blogging will be a way for me to become my own source of external accountability. Yes, it is possible that somebody else will see this, and hopefully they might even relate. But for now, it will force me to be accountable for and to myself. Now, I am the one watching.